For those who read this (which probably is no one at this point) you may be entertained by the flat out bullshit of this story. In fact, it is quite possible, you can’t believe it. I do not fully believe it. Its surprising and pretty much baffling. But its time to come out of the shadows (as dramatic as that sounds) as I was ordered to not talk about our “Relationship” as it was private and I was not to discuss sexual things to him let alone write about it. It feels good to be back.
So here’s the goods. Here’s the entry I have been procrastinating as the story gets better and better with time. I have also been delaying it because I feel like I am not supposed to share in my blog. That HE would not want me to. But I do not think I will let someone take something I enjoy away from me ever again. Other than a cigarette.
So, it all started with the fact that my smart boyfriend was applying to doctorate programs. I was thrilled for him. He always told me how he never expected to do these things. And he was accomplishing them and being a rock star at it. At a cost no doubt, but I guess I was so happy for him because he built himself up. I did not realize until around this time, that he was so committed that he would not consider me at all in his doctorate search. I mean he reluctantly applied to local schools but his heart was not in it or I guess in me. I should have taken the hint a long time ago when he could never come see me during the week, or drive to me. He came to my house in the two years we were dating under 20 times. I should have taken the hint when I hit the deer that nearly totaled my car and how he told me he had other things planned and he can’t just drop everything because I don’t want to rent a car and drive the same day it occurred. We always ran on HIS schedule and I waited around for him to finish playing with those Warhammer figures. He disappeared the day before my comps because he was mad at me but I’m getting ahead of myself.
So Valentines Day rolls around and of course he was too busy to celebrate with me so we prolonged it two weeks. He then tells me he only heard from Michigan so far. We then ate Valentines Day dinner with tears and silence. I was heartbroken but I knew he would get in other places. He was one of the smartest people I knew! He had to.
“I didn’t get into Penn,” he said, almost as if he was saying he forgot to get milk at the supermarket but he would get it tomorrow.
I silently was crying as he was going on about his research projects. I interrupted him.
“What are you going to do?”
“I donno. I’m fine with it.”
I was thinking…how are you FINE with this. We are FUCKED. I felt myself panicking. But, I felt like my Israeli soldier would figure something out.
Flash forward to March. My comps. The biggest deal to me obviously as I had been depressed over it for a year. I kept fearing I would fail. I was falling apart. Israeli soldier was nearly absent from my life. He was taking on new academic projects and doing his research as I had panic attack after panic attack. My future was on the line. This was when I needed him the most. The day before my comps, he finds out Michigan will take him and but will not guarantee funding. The first thing out of my mouth was something along the lines of, “I guess you won’t play broom hockey after all” and after that I get a text message at 5 or 6 at night saying “If you want me to stay around for you watch how unavailable I can be.” He didn’t take my calls and I started panicking. I had the comps the next day and my support system is not here for me. This was BULLSHIT.
Flash forward to turning 25. I am told on my birthday, he is going to Michigan and even if the school closer wants him, he would not take it. Oh, and he did not think to invite me to go with him. So, it was evident that obviously we were breaking up. It kind of felt like he was drifting away anyway. Like he had given up. So then we tried the whole lets just be together till you leave charade which was fine except suddenly he cared about things he usually did not at all care about. He would fold up my bed when I would leave and hid the presents I had given him. Let alone having sex.
Flash forward to the date where we actually went out for my birthday which of course was late as everything usually was because he cared more about everything else than me. On the way over to the restaurant, he tells me we are breaking up because he just would not have time for me and he was going to be so busy between traveling, and graduating, and packing up his things. It just seemed, “like the right thing to do.” My hands started shaking, my heart was racing, and I was infuriated. How dare he tell me this on a night where we are supposed to be celebrating me? Something GOOD in my life. God forbid I am happy about passing my comps or my birthday or good grades. Not only would he be leaving and breaking up with me but he was leaving on my graduation day. So he of course was breaking his promise that he would be there and overall fucking me over regardless. And I get to not enjoy that as well. We got to the restaurant and I saw someone I knew but I knew that if I opened my mouth, the tears would come and not stop. I kept moving fast as we were seating. We were silent. I tried making jokes about the situation and we reflected on the relationship with tears going back and forth between us. I went from angry to sad to cheerful to optimistic to hurt to angry. It all felt so unfair. I put everything I had into it with nothing to show for it but a tire gauge and jewelry made out of bullets. I ordered an espresso martini. I thought, “If he is not going to celebrate me, I will have a party in a glass tonight!” I drank so I did not cry but the tears kept falling in the glass. By the time I ran out of liquor, I had been holding my tears for some time. I could not take it anymore. I was starting to panic. I went to the bathroom but I did not make it before the tear faucet began. I was bawling my eyes out in a basement at a restaurant bar as the person I cared about fiddled with his phone playing his next word in words with friends. I came back and we left. We were both crying. He told me he wanted a future for us with marriage and the whole thing and how disappointed he was that it was not going to happen. How were we going to say goodbye? Was he going to give me a last kiss? Would he hold me at all? How was I going to make it to the door without embarrassing myself in front of the neighbors? How could this have all happened to me? What did I do to deserve this? I was faithful, supportive, committed, self-sacrificing, giving, loving to this man. He told me he was always going to be there for me and he hates that he has to leave. He told me I could pick up my stuff from his parent’s house after he leaves. When we got to my place the tears kept falling. This was goodbye. This was the end to something I invested a lot in. I felt like my body was superglued to the chair and I had one second to leave before the stuff starts working. I moved quickly and he held my hand like he did not want to let go. I did not make it to the door before I started sobbing. I did not DARE look back. Not to this coward who waited until my birthday to tell me he had already made the decision without talking to me. SURPRISE! HAPPY 25TH!
I was a mess. I was furious. Then there was the whole breaking up thing on facebook. The picture changing. The fucked up birthday gifts he gave me (a photo album to remember him, hand sanitizer, and a mug. The card? It was the best breakup birthday card a girl could ask for). The love songs on the radio. The conversations with friends and family who were praying this day would come for years. My mom started sending me speed dating websites and told me to go onto plenty of fish, the place where I originally met my Israeli soldier. So I bit the bullet and made a profile just to shut everyone up and I would eventually start dating again. Just because I was bored on a Saturday night I just looked at who my alleged matches were. And go fucking figure. He was number three. His location? Where we live. Looking for? Dating. The title of his profile? Something he had said to me a few months ago. The picture? Cropped me out of it. The other pictures? Taken by me. I sat there, and just stared. Just started sweating and questioning and this sweet break up, was fucking bullshit. What the fuck was he doing on there 10 days before he was leaving?!?!? He doesn’t “have time” to see anyone because “[he’s] too busy to be with [me]”. This fucking asshole was a liar. I was livid. I called my friend and told her the news. It was almost funny how fucked up it all had become. She advised me to not call him but I had so many potential things to do with this information so I figured why not…
He picked up the phone, “Hello?”
“Hi, so… that whole plenty of fish thing…hows that going for ya?”
“Its going well!” he said as if I was asking about how his research paper turned out.
“What the hell are you doing on there? You are leaving, remember? You are too busy, remember? This is so messed up!”
“Oh I made a profile months ago to see who was out in Michigan,” he said, as if that was supposed to make me feel better.
“Thats funny. Because your location for your profile is right here where we live,” I said.
“I don’t even know why we are having this conversation. And Hi by the way, we haven’t spoken. Real nice of you. I have another call. I have to go.”
This was a nice kick in the right direction. If I was sad, it quickly was an electric shock to move on with my life. So I started looking at people on the site, talked to them on the phone, I mean, as far as I was concerned, after all of the giving and getting nothing in return or being a pushover or being unavailable to me for months, I felt ready to at least toy with the idea of just going on dates. Just to see. But then, it happened. I was out with a girlfriend and I was notified of someone posting something. I went on my facebook and there the fucker was. With his new girlfriend. And not only was he not gone, but he had picture after picture with them holding each other. He wrote that he was so happy and wouldn’t be anywhere else but with her and yada yada yada. So, either he was putting a nice cum stained band-aid on the fact that he is sad and full of shit and does nt want to be alone until he “leaves” OR he is just a piece of crap AND full of shit. And he lied to get out of the relationship. I saw this just in time to pick up my things from his mother…but that’s a whole other entry.
When I choose to discuss this, people are happy that its over. They have seen the way I have been treated whether it was not wanting to meet my friends to the physical stuff to the emotional toll it took on me to give to someone who did not give back. People felt fooled because somewhere in there they felt like despite him being a jackass he actually did “love” me. His “love” was what he was emotionally capable of. But, he is with all seriousness, incapable of loving. I was fooled by his charm, his manners, his little morsels of affection he at times gave me. Any time I got one, it was quickly snatched away and I desperately craved more. I was starving for love.
Its time to go grocery shopping and find me a man who does love.
